Breaking The Seal

I had my first date.  With someone I’ve met online. 

[For the next few phrases, I want you to imagine commas as a pause in speech instead of grammatical correctness…]

She was cute , , , enough.  Our conversations were interesting , , , enough.  It was a really nice date , , , almost.  I’ve had better first dates, but I’ve definitely had worse.

Actually, it was just plain ordinary.  I think my demeanor and antics amused her.  I found her interesting , , , enough.

Pros: Brains, Wit, Smile, Boots

Cons: Job, Age, Insufficient Curves, Slightly Shy

Let’s be real here for a second.  She was a smart cookie but lacked in areas critical for a proper connection.  We hit several cool topics in philosophy and social constructs.  But she didn’t really fight back intellectually how I would have liked.  Fight is not the right word, but I may have intentionally pushed the envelope to see how she would react. 

Tepidly, if you’re wondering.

First Thought...

Then I look at my hand...

Yea, it's like that...

~

Math Time!

50 °F = Cold Shower

72 °F = Room Temperature

98.6 °F = Body Temperature

105 °F = Hot Shower

115 °F = Hot Tub

175 °F = Sauna

212 °F = Water Boiling

(Apologies to the non-continentals, but I reckon you’re pretty good at ballparking the Celsius equivalents by now…)

H stands for “overall hotness” – obviously.

If H > 212 °F, it’s a rock n’ roll style party.

If H < 175 °F, the heat is pumping, but it’s not obscene.

So and and so forth…until:

If H < 50 °F, check your pulse.  Then check hers.

She got to about 85 °F or so. Warm, but not quite enough to break a good sweat over.

Final Judgement: Not girlfriend material, but could be a fun second date…

Doesn't anyone read Santayana anymore?  This guy doesn't apparently...

~

Wait a sec, no one stopped me to explain what "Insufficient Curves" meant!  Actually, I wanted to wait and see if you even noticed.

Insufficient Curves = Has some curves in the right places, but doesn't always curve back when it's supposed to.

Don't you dare call it shallowness.  Physical attraction is a fundamental piece of the algorithm.  Curvy can be very sexy...

I don't need Double-0 Pooper to justify me, but it's a very good point.