Sarah Palin Press Conference

[SCENE – Press conference, standing room only, carnivorous reporters teeming with excitement for the impending figurative self-immolation of an anonymous hopeless romantic)

AJ: “After my apparent declaration of moral ambiguity…”

Reporter: “You mean ‘bankruptcy,’ Mr. Johnson?”

AJ: “Hey now, I’m supposed to be the jerk here.”

Reporter: “Apologies.  As you were.”

AJ: “Thank you.  I will now read a prepared statement.  Please hold your observations until the end…”

When I wax philosophic, I can get a little dark and myopic.  When I want to be fluid and humanist, exploring morals and ideals of the whole, I end up polemic and digging myself a hole.  [channeling my best Pete Peterkin] Let me be clear, I don’t believe in doubt and I don’t have dark storm clouds following me everywhere.  I may digress off the topic of Dating, but fatigue and a long train ride makes for a great writing session.  I apologize for the terribly self-aggrandizing tone.  It was unnecessary.  I may go back and tone it down, but it definitely helped me come to a few new realizations about romantic-toned interactions and “the game” in general.  I also thought my Stephen Colbert-esque title would make my sarcastic (not angry) intent clear.

Believe it or not, I’ve actually been making progress on the romantic interaction front.  I even had the briefest moment of non-platonic human contact.  Didn’t meet her through a website, so maybe it doesn’t count for the blog’s sake…  I even made a connection with someone from the web, but unfortunately, she failed one of my dealbreaker tests.  She lives outside my circumference requirements.  Oh well.  Frankly, I shouldn’t even have to say anything – a couple of emails and text messages doesn’t require me to say “Sorry, don’t want to see/talk/text/etc with you anymore.”  Seems like a cool gal though, damn shame.

If you live outside of this box, we probably won't get on too well...

Back to the non-site chica: I’ve been trying a lot harder than usual to be in touch and/or make plans. 

Sorry ladies, I don’t chase.  It’s nothing personal; it’s just a matter of resources available.  My rare nights/weekends off are often better spent being a vegetable and recharging my batteries.  I don’t like talking on the phone either; it’s so much nicer to talk in person.  Body language is vital to getting to know someone.  I’m also so easily distractible that talking on the phone to me can be like talking to a six-year old.  Again, it’s nothing personal.  I also get a little angsty when thinking about calling a woman – what if I’m: disturbing, waking up, interrupting mellow time, busting in on a conversation with mom, ruining your game with another man (haha), or ruined your train of thought right before you found the meaning of life????  So, I just won’t call you, at first.  I know that women like talking.  I do too.  I obviously like to talk…  My inner Spock says: anything I want to say, I’d rather look you in the eye while doing so.  If I can’t see your face, I have nothing to say.  If I have nothing to say, why would I call?  Q.E.D.

For the record, I followed up with almost all of my first dates.  I never “just called to say hi” – I invited them out for Round 2.  If I got no response, I never tried again.  It’s as simple as this: For aforementioned reasons, I won’t chase you.  If you had fun on the date, and I got in touch after, I take a lack of response as a lack of interest.  It took me a lot of nerve to call you; and nerve is an important resource.  If I keep tapping into my nerve to try getting in touch, I’ll lose my nerve when I need it for something important.  For some reason, I’ve made more effort with this one. 

I don’t know if I’m losing or gaining points with her, but I’ll try only so much harder.  I may have lost a few points when I saw her briefly yesterday morning on a coffee run.  I was slightly ashen and travel-weary, and had no time to stick around and chat.  I even texted her with a semi-formed plan/date/hang for tonight, but got bored of waiting for a response and made other plans.  Naturally, she got back to me after said plans were made.  Pending her schedule, of course, I’ll have to build another logic tree to determine if seeing her is more valuable than a round of disc golf/crossword time at the coffee shop/book in the park/vegetating/etc.  Maybe there can be a combination of the previously listed activities…  Either way, I will make sure that the use of my free time will not detract from the important activities of next week.  I have a few nice chunks of hours off over the next few days that will allow me to cover more activities than usual.  Very exciting.

Before I go, I want to share a story from my train rides.  On the way up, I either slept or read, with headphones and sunglasses on the whole time.  Didn’t speak to a soul.  It was kinda awesome.  On the way back, I was headphoned again, but finished some work and wrote my silly ramble.  When we got to New York, I was all set to keep my headphones on and read/crossword puzzle, but the train filled up and a fairly pretty gal sat next to me. 

Okay AJ, here’s your chance to practice talking to strange (as in unknown, not abnormal) women without sounding like a tool. 

Sidenote: A train is a great place to drink.  The prices were comparable to a mid-ranged Center City bar and you get a view. 

We have pleasant small talk!  She smiles a lot.  Only some of them were condescending.  Gets off at the next stop, oh well, but a small group of people sitting around me all start talking about the NBA playoffs.  It was clear that most of them did not know each other, but everyone is HILARIOUS.

Q: “Why couldn’t LeBron James get a soda from the vending machine?”

A: “Because he dropped the fourth quarter.”

It quickly turned to the rumor of Delonte West sleeping with LeBron’s mom.  I also reminded them what a monster West was at St. Joe’s.  It just continued onward and spiraled around – we talked about living in the south, NYC, politics, drugs, dating protocols, life goals, achievements, and on and on.  We were also roaring with laughter – many a dirty looks from the neighbors, but lots of stifled laughter from other parts of the car.  It was a deep and passionate encounter amongst a half-dozen strangers from all over the universe; a collision of dimensions that released energy felt by all.  It was refreshing, empowering, and enjoyed by everyone.

Let’s go Thunder.

I Am Selfish And So Can You

I am currently in hour 7 of 10 of traveling today.  I have already spent more time on the train than I did in my destination total.  All for the cause of course, but the delirium of a double gig last night + 6:40am train this morning + walking up and down vicious New England hills = one delirious blogger.  One good thing about delirium (and mini-bottles of Dewer’s scotch) is the ability to be introspective without promoting self-doubt.  That is, unless you’re already fighting the devils of doubt.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t dealt with some doubt devils over the years.  I’d actually be lying if I said I wasn’t dealing with them now, but for some reason the fatigue, delirium, and semi-tasty booze are doing a pretty good job of giving me clarity rather than anxiety. 

It could also be the fact that I walked around the city most of the day without realizing I spilled coffee ALL OVER my nice button-down shirt.  Seriously people, you can’t take me anywhere.  Thank goodness it was AFTER my meeting; at least I don’t care what train people think about nicely dressed AJ (Anonymous Johnson, for you newcomers) with a big splotch of coffee colored grossness on a pretty blue J. Crew shirt.  I’m too delirious to try to flirt with some of the sublimely gorgeous women on the train anyway – unlike my dear chessboxing opponent one day a few moons ago…

Regardless, what normally would make me want to curl up into a ball and cry for Mama is instead stifled laughter in a semi-crowded train car, currently in the New Haven, CT station waiting to pick-up Yankees and Elis.  Kill me now.

The point I’m trying to get to: Levity.  Or for you Aesopian moralists (oh how I hate you so): “Always look on the bright side of life!”

How can I take myself seriously if I’m running around the world with a huge fucking coffee stain on my shirt?  How can I be mad at myself for going hours without noticing, walking around and smiling and thinking everything is peachy-flippin-keen?  It’s not like I have an emergency ironed dress shirt in my army-surplus shoulder bag.  It’s my own damn fault anyway – I was walking down the street with an umbrella, cup of coffee, trying to smoke a cigarette, while talking to my boss.  It was pouring rain; priority was keeping my bag and computer dry.  Every single one of you reading this would agree: functional computer > coffee-stained dress shirt.  That’s why god invented dry cleaners, duh.

I digress.  Levity.  I read one definition of levity that said “the treatment of a serious matter…in a manner lacking due respect.”  That may be true, and however much it pains me to admit it, I think I’ll have to side with the Aesopians on this one.  So what I have a nasty coffee stain on my shirt – I had a fairly successful trip today, especially considering I had about 90 minutes of couch napping between when I woke up on Wednesday morning and getting on a train at the ass-crack of dawn Thursday.  The two or so hours of train sleep this morning doesn’t really count.

So where’s my point, you ask…  If I can sit here, stain and all, and smile and laugh and poke fun at myself of the whole matter, that is levity.  Levity is what keeps people from losing their shit over something stupid like spilt milk.  Or in my case spilt coffee (which normally evokes tears anyway…more so for the lost coffee rather than the stain it may or may not leave).

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During the course of my solo business trip today I had a major league epiphany.  Granted, I already knew the result of the epiphany: I’m a selfish twat.  The irony is that the epiphany would make most people go: “Well, I’ve done some cool shit.  I guess it’s time to go settle down and start a family and yadda yadda,” which really means “it’s okay to go crawl under a rock and die now.” 

As my meeting was wrapping up (looking at potential office space to rent for my new job), I had to give the guy my business card.  “Sorry,” I said.  “This is from my soon-to-be previous career.”  Not like I was going to tell him that it’s a temporary step-back, not an “I give up,” but I had to somehow justify handing him my lovely, professionally designed musician business card.  We talked for a few seconds about it, he had some interesting questions about my career, but it made me think…  Fortunately or unfortunately, when you’re wandering around a strange city where you know one person (who was out of town today), you can do nothing but think…  The following is my convoluted train of thought over the course of the afternoon.

I really have done some cool shit in my life.  I opened up for Natalie Cole and Chuck Mangione at 18.  Got to play on the field at the (now gone) Veteran’s Stadium.  A few years later I was opening up for Talib Kweli in front of 50,000 people.  I’ve played with former sidemen for Ray Charles, Jay-Z, Matisyahu, and countless other monsters of music.  I’ve gotten to see places and do things because of music that would have cost me years (yes, years) of income to manage, including visiting another continent.  Icing on the cake is, frankly, I’ve never played better piano in my life.  It’s not pride talking – it’s fact.  I wish I could find a slightly less ignorant way of saying it, but it’s hard to be self-confident without being a prick.  For the purposes of this self-aggrandizing/self-effacing blog (combined with fatigue, coffee, and now booze), I’m just going to push it a little farther than usual for now.  No apologies though – it’s not like I’m saying mean things about yo’ mamma or sumthin…

Me, with my infinite justifications for levity, bizarre Vulcananian logical deductions, and hyper-self-awareness came to the complete opposite conclusion.  I’ve done some really cool shit.  I know I sound like an A-level asshole right now, but it’s true.  To save (a little) face, I’ve been this way my whole life.  Chasing adventures, breaking expectations, not caring what people think about me, etc., has been my M.O. since I was old enough to tell stupid people to “fuck off.”  (If you were wondering, it started when I was 5 or so…) 

I’ve been re-inspired to do what is the unexpected; to do what I think is best for my long-term needs and goals.  And as you all well know by now, starting a family is at the very bottom of that list of needs and goals.  It’s why I’m (albeit temporarily) giving up a fairly successful music career in one of the world’s hardest cities to be a musician.  It’s not because I don’t believe in my abilities, it’s because I want to do bigger and better things that I can’t provide for myself on a mercenary musician’s income.  So sue me.  If it means women scoff at my choice of lifestyle, so be it, I’ll deal.  

I reckon there’s a woman or two out there who thinks along the same lines as I do, wondering why no man wants to be a part of their world because of their inherent need to do what they feel is important to their own lives.  Maybe our paths will cross.  The funny thing is, if my path crosses with hers, we’ll probably both think each other are turds and never speak again.  I wonder if some of my mediocre first dates have been just that – two kindred spirits on the path of self-discovery and self-improvement that realize there’s just not enough time in the day to share it with another.  It’s her loss, but it’s my loss too. 

The final conclusion, aka, the “Moral” (fucking Aesopians): Actually, I don’t think I have one.  The onus really is just on the individual to realize what they want and need.  If they ignore their subtle Freudian needs for a simple cuddle, then fuck ‘em (figuratively...if I was implying literal, don’t you think I’d have a much mellower tone here?).  I’m not saying “Hey baby, you’re hot, let’s go [insert boorish euphemism for sex here].”  I’m too old for that shit.  My rule has (almost) always been: I would rather wake up alone and lonely than wake up somewhere and say “oh no, what did I do…”

So I guess I do have a moral: Be honest to yourself.  If you’re willing to give up a little fun for your personal needs, than so be it.  I’m that way most of the time – I don’t chase.  So yea, sometimes I jones for a little simple physical contact, but I don’t go home crying about it either.  So not worth the time.

Actually, I lied.  The moral: All the cool shit I’ve done in the past has merely reaffirmed my selfishness.  I want more.  It’s not like I’ll cut you to get what I want, I’ll just walk around you instead.  I reiterate: So sue me.

I both long and rue for the day that I meet her.  “Her” being a similarly Vulcanesque logistician that knows exactly what they want, just not how to get it.  All I know is, we’re going to drive each other crazy, and well, I can’t wait.

P.S. Someone sitting near me on the train has sumtin smelly....

Off The Disabled List?

I reckon I owe someone an apology, somewhere, for something I may or may not have done; with or without malice, sarcasm, or comedic intent; in person, online, or by proxy; hopefully without bodily harm, financial loss, or humiliating you in the process.  Or vice versa, in which case you owe me an apology, you son of a bitch.  No clemency here, pay up fool.

I wish I had reason to apologize for taking so much time away from this fun little endeavor.  I would LOVE to tell you a story of some fiery long lean sex machine, but it would be fiction.  Heck, I wish I had a story about a second date, but that would just be a plain lie. 

Dare I try to pass off that I’ve at least had enough boring first dates that I need my toes to count too?  No, I would have a better chance passing off a yarn about ogres and space monkeys as the truth.  I think the count is actually limited to one hand...

I do owe one small apology.  To the few of you who may read this post, whom I know personally, and have yet to have a chance to tell you myself: I’m moving out of Philadelphia in August.  Details aren’t really for this forum, but it would be difficult to continue writing the blog if I didn’t disclose the most basic of details.  That being said:

The truth, as I see fit to present it:

A) I’m busy, distractible, and I work an awkward and inconsistent schedule.  When I get the urge to troll the dating sites and occasionally grow a pair to say “hello,” it’s usually about two weeks before we can find a mutual free night.  It’s nothing personal, but it doesn’t exactly make me an ideal date candidate.

B) I’m very open about my lame duck status here in Philadelphia, but I promise that my intentions are not solely primal in nature.  When push comes to shove, I am still a hopeless romantic who wants to enjoy the company of a new person.  I want to find out what we have in common, see what rattles your chain, test your intelligence, listen to your voice, stare in your eyes, push your buttons, et cetera.  I want you to do the same to me.  Sure, I wouldn’t mind a little sooky-sooky (hopefully she wants the same), but I’m happy just to have a few good laughs and adult beverages.  Don’t mistake my openness about leaving town as a subito reference to “I just want to get in bed with you.”  It would only be a fringe benefit of enjoying your company.

C) My assurances are probably as meaningless to a stranger as a minor league baseball game in Taiwan, but I do not lie.  Putting aside the fact that lying is a waste of energy and oxygen – Lying requires you to remember your lie and be able to recall it, on command, at any time.  I can think of a lot of things I’d rather spend that energy on, can’t you?

D) I probably won’t stop smoking, drinking, and cursing for you.  You’ll probably want to enjoy at least two of those three things.  Again, nothing personal.

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In order to keep momentum, keep you entertained, and keep me from closing back off, I’m going to try and post more.  It may just be quips, observations, and one-liners, but at least I’ll get them posted, rather than laugh to myself and forget what I thought.  I am capable of posting from my phone, but I’ll have to get over my reticence for instant technological gratification first.  And yes, I have a twitter (for this, not for my person), which would certainly be the right medium for quips and one-liners…  Find it (if you dare: @datingn00b)

I do have a final observation for my not-so-triumphant return to blogging: A woman’s voice (tone, timbre, quality) has a very high weight when determining a woman’s overall sexiness.  It’s almost as important as her height and brainpower.  (Perhaps my next post will be a mathematical breakdown of a woman’s sexiness potential.  Hmmm….)