Sarah Palin Press Conference

[SCENE – Press conference, standing room only, carnivorous reporters teeming with excitement for the impending figurative self-immolation of an anonymous hopeless romantic)

AJ: “After my apparent declaration of moral ambiguity…”

Reporter: “You mean ‘bankruptcy,’ Mr. Johnson?”

AJ: “Hey now, I’m supposed to be the jerk here.”

Reporter: “Apologies.  As you were.”

AJ: “Thank you.  I will now read a prepared statement.  Please hold your observations until the end…”

When I wax philosophic, I can get a little dark and myopic.  When I want to be fluid and humanist, exploring morals and ideals of the whole, I end up polemic and digging myself a hole.  [channeling my best Pete Peterkin] Let me be clear, I don’t believe in doubt and I don’t have dark storm clouds following me everywhere.  I may digress off the topic of Dating, but fatigue and a long train ride makes for a great writing session.  I apologize for the terribly self-aggrandizing tone.  It was unnecessary.  I may go back and tone it down, but it definitely helped me come to a few new realizations about romantic-toned interactions and “the game” in general.  I also thought my Stephen Colbert-esque title would make my sarcastic (not angry) intent clear.

Believe it or not, I’ve actually been making progress on the romantic interaction front.  I even had the briefest moment of non-platonic human contact.  Didn’t meet her through a website, so maybe it doesn’t count for the blog’s sake…  I even made a connection with someone from the web, but unfortunately, she failed one of my dealbreaker tests.  She lives outside my circumference requirements.  Oh well.  Frankly, I shouldn’t even have to say anything – a couple of emails and text messages doesn’t require me to say “Sorry, don’t want to see/talk/text/etc with you anymore.”  Seems like a cool gal though, damn shame.

If you live outside of this box, we probably won't get on too well...

Back to the non-site chica: I’ve been trying a lot harder than usual to be in touch and/or make plans. 

Sorry ladies, I don’t chase.  It’s nothing personal; it’s just a matter of resources available.  My rare nights/weekends off are often better spent being a vegetable and recharging my batteries.  I don’t like talking on the phone either; it’s so much nicer to talk in person.  Body language is vital to getting to know someone.  I’m also so easily distractible that talking on the phone to me can be like talking to a six-year old.  Again, it’s nothing personal.  I also get a little angsty when thinking about calling a woman – what if I’m: disturbing, waking up, interrupting mellow time, busting in on a conversation with mom, ruining your game with another man (haha), or ruined your train of thought right before you found the meaning of life????  So, I just won’t call you, at first.  I know that women like talking.  I do too.  I obviously like to talk…  My inner Spock says: anything I want to say, I’d rather look you in the eye while doing so.  If I can’t see your face, I have nothing to say.  If I have nothing to say, why would I call?  Q.E.D.

For the record, I followed up with almost all of my first dates.  I never “just called to say hi” – I invited them out for Round 2.  If I got no response, I never tried again.  It’s as simple as this: For aforementioned reasons, I won’t chase you.  If you had fun on the date, and I got in touch after, I take a lack of response as a lack of interest.  It took me a lot of nerve to call you; and nerve is an important resource.  If I keep tapping into my nerve to try getting in touch, I’ll lose my nerve when I need it for something important.  For some reason, I’ve made more effort with this one. 

I don’t know if I’m losing or gaining points with her, but I’ll try only so much harder.  I may have lost a few points when I saw her briefly yesterday morning on a coffee run.  I was slightly ashen and travel-weary, and had no time to stick around and chat.  I even texted her with a semi-formed plan/date/hang for tonight, but got bored of waiting for a response and made other plans.  Naturally, she got back to me after said plans were made.  Pending her schedule, of course, I’ll have to build another logic tree to determine if seeing her is more valuable than a round of disc golf/crossword time at the coffee shop/book in the park/vegetating/etc.  Maybe there can be a combination of the previously listed activities…  Either way, I will make sure that the use of my free time will not detract from the important activities of next week.  I have a few nice chunks of hours off over the next few days that will allow me to cover more activities than usual.  Very exciting.

Before I go, I want to share a story from my train rides.  On the way up, I either slept or read, with headphones and sunglasses on the whole time.  Didn’t speak to a soul.  It was kinda awesome.  On the way back, I was headphoned again, but finished some work and wrote my silly ramble.  When we got to New York, I was all set to keep my headphones on and read/crossword puzzle, but the train filled up and a fairly pretty gal sat next to me. 

Okay AJ, here’s your chance to practice talking to strange (as in unknown, not abnormal) women without sounding like a tool. 

Sidenote: A train is a great place to drink.  The prices were comparable to a mid-ranged Center City bar and you get a view. 

We have pleasant small talk!  She smiles a lot.  Only some of them were condescending.  Gets off at the next stop, oh well, but a small group of people sitting around me all start talking about the NBA playoffs.  It was clear that most of them did not know each other, but everyone is HILARIOUS.

Q: “Why couldn’t LeBron James get a soda from the vending machine?”

A: “Because he dropped the fourth quarter.”

It quickly turned to the rumor of Delonte West sleeping with LeBron’s mom.  I also reminded them what a monster West was at St. Joe’s.  It just continued onward and spiraled around – we talked about living in the south, NYC, politics, drugs, dating protocols, life goals, achievements, and on and on.  We were also roaring with laughter – many a dirty looks from the neighbors, but lots of stifled laughter from other parts of the car.  It was a deep and passionate encounter amongst a half-dozen strangers from all over the universe; a collision of dimensions that released energy felt by all.  It was refreshing, empowering, and enjoyed by everyone.

Let’s go Thunder.