Horrendous Oversight

How in the world could I forget to mention this??

I few days ago I get an email saying: “We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.”

What in the sam-hell-fuck does that mean?

So now I have a steady stream of visitors to my page, none of which bother to respond to my outreaches.

I ask you this OkCupid: So you try to build my ego, only to have it smashed by this slew of “attractive” women you offer me in return?

Suck my balls.

Start Your Day The Right Way

Algorithm (paraphrased from one of my favorite sites, Wolfram Mathematics) – An algorithm is a specific set of instructions for carrying out a procedure or solving a problem, usually with the requirement that the procedure terminate at some point.

Ever seen those silly meme flow charts about anything?  Well friends, that’s an algorithm.  Check out one of my all-time favorites from mi amiga Shmitten Kitten:

She's so clever.  Patronize her page.  NOW!

It’s actually the simplest of algorithms – “If yes, do this.  If no, do that.”  In the computing world, algorithms are the cores of all operations.  The complexities in which they make technology tick are almost matched by the complexity of the algorithms formed in our brains.

Please forgive my amateur psychology hour here, but I think I’m pretty on target.  The decisions we make are based on certain sets of rules that we create for ourselves.  Whether it’s how we dress, what we eat, or even how we think about other people, we make these judgments based on the conditions of the situation. 

[I would totally make a ridiculous flow-chart here about something, but my visual design-impaired brain just will not function that way…  I’ll leave that to the professionals.]

Perhaps it’s my borderline Vulcan mindset these days, but I’m constantly building and analyzing logic trees (a catchy term for algorithm) to determine the proper responses to outside stimuli.  I’m not quite Spock level logical, thank goodness, and he was even half-human!  I’m like if Spock and sexy Uhuru from the new movie had a baby that looks like Leonard Nimoy…  On second thought, ouch.

I just couldn't pass this one up...
(ganked from ScifiScoop.com)

I’m constantly reminding myself that the world is only logical in theory.  In practice, passion reigns supreme.  So I have to remind myself that certain situations require certain responses, even though my logical instinct disagrees.  If I gave any examples, you all would think I’m some kind of robotic asshole, so I’ll pass on sharing those.  Not like you don’t think that already, but I’d prefer not to exacerbate rumors of my inability to love or show affection…  That would totally defeat the purpose of finding some romantic entanglements to distract myself from the mundane of normalcy.

I digress… 

I start my day with a simple algorithm that determines my outlook for the day.  I know that at least 80% of you will agree, but only 10% of you will admit to it.

I had two fantastic poops this morning.  That does an awesome day make :).

~

I spent my weekend on total brain shutdown.  I did, however, spend a fair chunk of time trying to tweak my profiles to make me seem less like a “hippie-dink artist type” and more like the “fun yet cerebral” type.  And of course, I spent time sending the requisite messages to strange women in hopes of a shared classy can or two. 

Fail.

I don’t know why, but none of these women seem interested in messaging me back.  Perhaps they don’t find me the right kind of crazy for them? 

I am 100% convinced that these dating sites are solely for the purposes of finding a compatible type of crazy.  There is a flaw in my logic though: Most people don’t want to admit they’re crazy.  Naturally, those people are the craziest of us all, but I wouldn’t want to date them anyway.  Therefore, I make sure to let a little bit of my crazy appear in my messages to them. 

I’m also 100% convinced that if they can’t appreciate a little insanity from time to time, then they should probably be institutionalized.

I'm not this crazy, but I also don't have his abs.  Or his recovered crackhead attitude...

BUT!  (There’s always a but…)

I am going to go on my first meetup tonight.  Naturally, it was a woman who messaged me first.  She’s younger than me, which is kind of a turnoff.  But after two weeks of ridiculous blogging and failed attempts at starting a conversation, I need to go have a drink with some random woman.  She does not seem like the type that I would want to get serious with, but she seems to tolerate my chronic need for honesty.  She says that she’s amused by it, but we’ll see if I can keep my filters functioning after the second beer…

At the very least, I will be satisfied by the fact that I actually followed up and met an online date.  Perhaps I’ll actually get to sleep in a bed for the first time in weeks…

Wish me luck!




~

There is one last thing I’d like to discuss.  Despite the fact I followed my own instructions on making sure she’s not a serial killer, there is one simple step you can take to make sure your body is found before it starts to smell up the place.

Leave some kind of note or email a friend the name and contact info of the person you’re meeting, along with WHERE you’re meeting them.  Example:

Jane Doe

215.555.3825

janesapsycho@gmail.com

Meeting @ Knife’s Dive Bar

How hard is that?  Prudence is the mother of invention, not necessity.

Here’s to hoping I’ll be around to write another post!

Earning Stripes

I’m equally surprised and not surprised by the amount of friends I have who have tried online dating.  Not that they all would admit to it, but I’d wager at least 75% of my dating-age/single friends have at least signed up for a dating site.  Whether or not they follow through isn’t really my concern, but if they’ve been reading this, at least they’ll be better prepared.  I hope…

The reasons I’m not surprised: It’s no longer verboten to discuss online dating amongst your friends.  There seems to be a tacit agreement amongst the men and women of the world to avoid talking about it unless there’s a funny story or a wedding involved.  Is it still considered a taboo?  Slightly, but you’re no longer a pariah for trying it.

The reasons I am surprised: The folks I know who do it, most of them never seem to have trouble meeting people.  That includes me too.

Previously I discussed the reasons why I’m giving it a shot.  I haven’t asked my friends their specific reasons for going up on these sites, but it’s safe to assume that they would all answer with a combination of “I don’t have time to meet people” or “I’m tired of meeting people at bars.” 

I can’t disagree with either reason, but I do have doubts. 

Social awkwardness is still social awkwardness.  Whether you’re doing your talking online or in person, the awkward will still rear it’s ugly head and potentially ruin your evening. 

Everything is better with a LOLcat...

I am fully aware, and embracing, of my awkwardness.  It’s one of my most endearing qualities.  Sometimes it’s horrible and I end up with a beer down my shirt, tomato sauce in my eye, or falling flat on my face (klutz, not booze), but if I didn’t embrace it, I would not be able to exist in social situations.  My career is one big social situation, so I’d be fucked. 

I wear this hat to every date.

More often than not, my awkwardness will make me fall flat on my face (metaphorically) while talking to a strange woman.  Either my joke is too obscure or too blunt, or my observations are too straightforward, or I manage to spill something.  Sometimes all of the above, and I definitely go home numberless and alone those nights. 

I was not always this awkward.  In fact, I used to be pretty damn good at the “game.”  I made my rules; I stuck by them, and had a lot of fun along the way.  I’m getting older now, and I’ve adapted my rules.  No longer am I driven by the urges for raucous parties and empty sex. 

Seriously.

A few years ago I had some run-ins with some really unpleasant women.  At first glance they weren’t too bad, but then again, I was young, dumb, and full of [insert the word that you all know fits here].  It wasn’t until I ended up with a bleeding back and nearly getting a restraining order (two DIFFERENT chicks…) that I decided I was no longer solely motivated by the chase of the tails.

I decided that I would rather wake up in my own bed than wake up in some strange place and say: “Oh Crap.”

I'm not wasting another cent on paper bags.
A real bed isn't worth that either...

~

Because I’m not a prude, and because I know I’m fully capable of getting women, I chose to online date and attempt to save some embarrassment and trouble by getting turned down.  I’ve earned my stripes as a “man” and don’t feel like any less of one for skipping the awkward interpersonal courting process.

There is really only one thing that is still puzzling me.  Why am I not getting many responses back to my messages?  I’m using an algorithm of directly addressing something in their profile, something slightly sarcastic, and me being myself.

Maybe that’s the problem…

Actually no, I don’t think that’s the problem.  I think I’m not asking them enough questions.  Pardon my assumption here, but I feel it’s pretty standard: The best magic happens when you can induce the woman to just talk and talk.  The way to do that is to just ask lots of questions and let them open up.  I do my best when I can get them on a thread and just let them ramble on.  Ideally, what they have to say interests me, but I can’t be too picky, right?

Which is worse?

Even if she was rambling about Tom Brady's cock, I'd still let her talk my ear off...

Shut up shut up shut up shut up....You're burning my brain!!!

What Is "The Game?"

“Checkmate!”

“Dude, what the hell?  You can’t move your pawn diagonally across the board like that!”

“This is my game, and it’s my rules.”

BAM!

“You lost the last round of chessboxing too, idiot…”

I don't like this game anymore...

We’ve all seen Swingers once or twice.  We’ve all also probably seen one or twelve more rom-coms than we’d ever care to admit.  This proverbial “game” is one that has no pieces, no rounds, and no rules.  It is a perpetual shit show of guessing, logic, and pure animal instinct.  And naturally, there's no “winner” or “loser” – there is only success and fail, and even those are really subjective terms.

It’s certainly not as cut-and-dry as “getting laid” or “not getting laid.”

I hope your heart isn't as rusted as your undies

So, how do you play a game like this?

Simple: You play or you don’t.  And make sure YOU set the rules.

The only rule of the dating game: Know what you want.  It doesn’t matter if “what you want” is an incredibly vague half-cocked concept of dating/romance, as long as you’ve taken a little time to decide what you want.

“Well Anonymous, what the hell do you want?”

Are you sure you want to know?

“Do fish poop in the water?”

Touché… 

~

In order to remotely understand what I want out of the dating world, you’d probably have to be either: A) As dark and jaded as me.  B) Divorced at least once.  C) Dumped at least three women in a row without being dumped.

Now, I’ve never been married, but I might as well have been.  Bought a house, became the doggie step-dad, et cetera.  We were together long enough to see someone meet a “special other,” get married, and subsequently divorced.  Close enough for jazz…

I wanted the NFC plates...bitch.

Personally, I’m okay with not knowing what I want.  The things I don’t know what I want are far greater than the things I do know I want.  I’m not wife-hunting, but I can’t arbitrarily rule out the possibility of meeting her.  I do know that my career is an extremely high priority, so hopefully she has one of her own to obsess over.  I do know that I’ll take a big brain over a super-model’s looks. 

Yes, I think Tina Fey is in the Top 3 for sexiest women alive.  I’d take her over Megan Fox in a heartbeat. 

“Wait, what?  You’d rather bone Tina Fey than Megan Fox?  I must have hit you too hard,” says my titanium-knuckled sparring partner.

No, it’s true.  Don’t get me wrong, you know I like looking at dem tatas and booties, but I don’t want to get it going unless you can verbally spar at a high level.  If you can beat me in Scrabble repeatedly, I might marry you…

Okay, so what does that all boil down to?

A) You have a genuine career, or don’t care that mine is borderline insane.

B) You are smarter than the average broad.

C) You don’t care that I don’t care.

Too much to ask?  I don’t think so.

This opens up another huge can of worms though: Gamechangers and Gamebreakers.

Gamechanger = someone/something that will make me change my apathy about starting a family.

Gamebreaker = someone/something that will make me run for the hills and never want to get laid again.

Gamebreakers are more fun, so let’s ponder a few: Mets/Giants/Cowboys/Redskins/Heat/Rangers/etc. fans, ultra-religious, conservatives, idiots, midgets (apologies to the small-statured, you’re just not for me), living outside the urban center of Philadelphia, teetotalers, lushes, addicts, etc.  You get my drift right?  It’s A-OK to have a set of groundrules that will disqualify someone from being an active participant in your life.

[PS - I trolled the interwebs for almost 35 minutes trying to find a picture of the midget hooker I saw in Honolulu, but no luck...  You'll have to use your imagination instead]

Gamechangers are much harder to quantify.  You see, a gamechanger would potentially make any of those aforementioned qualities acceptable.  For the right lady, I would easily consider dating someone who didn’t live in the immediate Philly area, or even a fan of another sports team.  I can’t really foresee politics, intelligence, or religion being changed though.  If you vote Red, go to church/synagogue too often, and/or watch MTV, I’m sorry…

For the right girl, things that were once considered unspeakable may become a reality.  I would consider relocating, as long as it was to a place where I’d be able to get work.  Sorry to the cuties living in Alabama, but y’all can fuhgeddaboudit.

Ideally, the right woman should acquiesce about some of their gamebreakers too.  I’d love to find a woman who shares my desire to live outside of the US, sooner than later.  Honestly, if she doesn’t I don’t think I’ll keep dating her.

Know what you want, or know that you don’t know what you want.  Without a developed sense of self, you have no business dating anyway.

Kim: your soul is about as empty as your eyes.  And I think my eyes are burning from looking at you...
Tell me again why you're on TV all the time?

Recapitulation & Reflection

We’ll pretend that the last few days were filled with dates and wildness, but in reality, sometimes you’re just too busy to even look for a date.  It’s a bit ironic, considering when I started this heinous agenda I had time to have at least 2 dates a day.  I guess I just assumed that women would be lining up for a talented and attractive young man (by “talented and attractive” I mean “capable and not ugly”).  Then again, how in the world is someone going to have any idea who you actually are by reading five or six paragraphs?

Let’s take a step back. 

Recapitulation is one of my favorite music terms ever.  Although it is not taken the same way now as it was in the heydays of classical music, the same principles apply.

Classical                                                 Modern

Exposition                                               Verse or “A section”

Transition                                               Pre-Chorus

Development                                          Chorus

Re-transition                                          Bridge

Recapitulation                                        Verse or “Last A”

The recapitulation is when you bring back the theme.  HOWEVER, the recapitulation is almost never the same as the original exposition.  It has evolved, it has developed, it has transformed into a new organism, based on the original theme.  It maintains the core pieces, but it takes all of the experiences throughout the development to strengthen or re-affirm the original meaning.

So what in the world does that have to do with online dating?

I went back and re-read my musings from the past week.  Apparently I have some fairly deep seeded issues.  Not that we all don’t, I’m just choosing to air mine to the world.  We can acknowledge the fact that I’ve yet to follow through and actually meet one of these women in the real world, but we can also consider that the lot of them are kind of scary and incompatible with my philosophies on life.

I want to know if all these women are husband-hunting or are they just trying to get laid?  What is their angle?  Don’t try to tell me there isn’t one.

Vote for who Paris?  What do you want from me???

I have an angle too, of course.  It’s just undefined between exploring a social taboo and avoiding talking to women at bars that I have absolutely nothing in common with.  First and foremost: I just want to meet new people.  Using the online thing as a tool to filter out the people that I know I won’t get along with.  Too many times I’ve tried talking to an attractive stranger, only to find out they vote Red and commit other related unspeakable offenses.  I’m tired of wasting that golden half-hour before the bar closes on a woman who wouldn’t touch me, when sitting right next to her is a woman who I could actually converse with when sober.  Not too much to ask, eh?

Well, am I saying too much or too little in my profile?

To some, yes.  To some, no.  I am definitely being my typical chronically honest self.  I’d rather that be in open air before hand, rather than having some date walk out because I don’t filter the truth very well. 

Bender says: "You're boned."

I have noticed a fairly steady stream of women visiting my page.  Is that the same thing as a woman staring you down, telepathically telling you to talk to them? 

Is this a "sex-me-up" look?  Or is it a "murder-you-in-your-sleep" look?
I think I'd prefer the latter...

What kind of woman am I looking for?  What a wonderfully vague and undefined answer I have for that one...  Frankly, I don’t care if she’s old or young.  Of course, I would prefer a sublimely attractive woman, but it’s not a deal breaker.  The only mandatory requirement is that she can put up with me!!  Or at least be as crazy as me.  On second thought…

I'll stay single, thankyouverymuch

Are You This Cool or Should I Come To The Date Armed?

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day.  I’m still dateless, but I’m working on changing that. 

Sitting directly across from me at my favorite coffeeshop are two young people who are obviously meeting in person for the first time.  Online dating in action.  They’re awkward, a little nervous, but they seem to be enjoying each other’s company.  I don’t know who they are, what website they used, or if they’re just pretending to like each other.  All I know is that they are both users of some dating website and they had enough in common to meet for a date.

They used their noggins: Meet in a public place.

Online dating was a taboo for so long because there was no way to know if the beautiful person you were talking to was actually the person they presented themselves to be.  There have been too many stories over the years of people befriending another online, only to turn out to be murderers, child molesters, or just general perverts.

It’s terrifying, but all too true.  Who are you actually talking to?

~

I think the two across from me are hitting it off pretty well.  They’re talking about video games, and earlier they were talking about Star Wars.  I heart nerd love.

~

“Hey Anonymous!  I’m a little worried about meeting a date from online.  How do I know they’re not going to spike my drink and murder me?” asks a reader.

Well reader, you don’t.

“I’m never going to do it.  Screw this,” they reply.

No no no.  Yes you are.

“No.  Not if I can’t get some kind of assurance that they’re not a psycho killer."

"Qu’est-ce que c’est?”

Sorry, it’s impossible to categorically determine whether or not someone is a serial killer.  Impossible, unless you take the time and do your homework.  There are some really simple things you can do to try to find out if someone is who he or she says they are.  Everyone’s profile (mine included) gives you a glimpse of who they are and what they do.  If you know their name and their occupation, you get on that Google-thingy and you go hunting.

When someone messaged me out of the blue, I had a really hard time believing that someone so, well, so hot and smart wanted to talk to me.  I’m not ugly, and I’m not unintelligent, but damn.

So what did I do?  I got her name, trolled her profile for her occupation and location, and I went digging through the murky waters of the interwebs.

Step 1: Google [first name] [job] [location]

Step 2: Click on “Images” – if they or their job has a website, it’s very likely that it will make it there.  Try to match it with their dating profile.

Step 3: If you’re not lucky with the images, you just go through the search listings.  If it’s a common name or a large metropolitan area, you’ll probably have to go many pages deep into the listings. 

Step 4: If you see someone with the right first name and right job, google their full name and repeat steps 2 & 3.

If you’ve struck out, try some variations on job title or location.  Have you ever googled yourself?  It may take a little while, but you will find yourself eventually.  You’ll probably find more about yourself than you would like to be on the Internet, but this is about finding other people. 

If you are interested in more information about protecting your own privacy, check out the Federal Trade Commission’s site.  You also should go to www.spokeo.com and make sure you get yourself removed.  That may be the single scariest site on the entire Internet.  Find yourself, then go here: http://www.spokeo.com/privacy.  No first date needs that much information about you.

BTW, I love how “google” is now a culturally acceptable verb.  I genuinely do – we were witness to an epic etymological evolution and that’s is pretty awesome.

Unfortunately, I cannot condone carrying a weapon with you on your first date, except for pepper spray of course.  Most women do, or at least should, carry this with them.  Please check your local laws to make sure it is not considered a concealed weapon, but I might carry that shit anyway if I were you.  Just don’t get trigger-happy and hit a nice guy…

Not cool.  (Thank you: Periscopepost.com)

Most importantly, make sure you meet for the first time in a public place.  If it’s night, make sure it’s well lit or at least busy enough that you can be noticed.

And of course, when you’re messaging each other before you actually meet, it’s a-ok to say something along the lines of “you’re not a serial killer, right?”  Every single person who has ever gone on an online date has thought of it, and hopefully everyone does their due diligence on their prospective dates. 

You could always just ask their full name and get an official background check done.  It can be done online.  If you’re willing to invest the time and money into it, it is a nearly fool-proof way to make sure they aren’t wanted criminals, registered sex offenders, or Santorum-ites.

My brain is thiiiiiiissssss big!

Unfortunately this is all a little moot for me at the moment, considering I have yet to have an actual date.  That does not change the importance and necessity for doing a little pre-date legwork. 

Which of the following two seems worse?

1) A great date turns out to be a registered sex offender.

2) A lousy date turns out to be just a nice guy you don't like.

If you said number 2, maybe you should go read this: ABC News - Scary Online Dates

It’s arguable that people will go further out of their way for sex than they will for money.  All I can do is preach prudence and caution.  If you’re too pragmatic to believe that someone may have ulterior motives, I can’t help you.  I just wish you safety and good luck.

You could always stash a smoke bomb in your undies for a spectacular getaway…

Happy Anti-Valentine's Day!

I’ve been fairly lucky in my past relationships.  Almost all the women I dated were as anti-material as I am and thought Valentine’s Day to be nothing more than a commercially driven excuse for romance.

Well, I’ll just have to assume they were telling me the truth.  I may or may not have done nominal things for them (house work, dinner, etc.), but that is not the point. The point is: Why should one day of the year be about gift giving, romanticism, and Hallmark cards? 

I hereby declare today Anti-Valentine’s Day. 

For the coupled folks: Go and do your consumer things.  I won’t hold it against you.  But you bloody better well have a romantic escapade again before next Valentine’s Day.  Love encompasses all time and no time.  A calendar day does not love make.

For the single folks: Do not sit at home and feel sorry for yourself.  So what, love hasn’t found you yet this year.  Don’t let February 14th be a day of PBR and sorrow.  I guarantee you, there are many a-folks sitting at the bar being miserable for no good reason. 

If you feel miserable about being single on February 13th or 15th, I can’t help you.  You should do the opposite today.  Go out to a bar, look for that lady (or gent) who seems to be as miserable as you, and ask them to be your “anti-Valentine.”  You may not get their heart, but you’ll at least get a smile.  And hopefully a phone number…

Personally, I could care less.  Today is just another day.  And yes, I’m the type to pull practical jokes on April 2nd too. 

I close my Valentine’s day rant with one of my favorite songs of all time.  I really wanted to send these lyrics to an ex-girlfriend of mine, but that’s even a little churlish for me.


You Don't Know What Love Is


You don't know what love is
Until you've learned the meaning of the blues
Until you've lost a love you've had to lose
You don't know what love is.


You don't know how lips hurt
Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost
Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost
You don't know what love is.


Do you know how a lost heart fears
The thought of reminiscing?
Lips that taste of tears
Lose their taste for kissing.


You don't know how hearts burn
For love that cannot live yet never dies
Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes
You don't know what love is.

~

Elvis Costello & Chet Baker do a magical job of emoting the meaning of the song.  Enjoy today as if you would any other day – whether you have a date or not!

~

I have much to do this evening (people still work, it’s not a national holiday), but tomorrow I’m going to write about checking up on your potential dates.  It’s actually an extremely serious thing and don’t want to rush through it.

Rest easy single people – the day for love shall come.

Irony

While in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack (while writing the previous entry), the horrendous new e-mail ping from my Mac shattered my concentration. 

Let me step back for a second.  My dear friend tried to convince me that I needed to sign up for JDate along with OkCupid.

“Why?  I love Jewish girls, but I have too many neuroses about getting married and baby-making.  I won’t do it,” I said.

“Yes you will.  The girls are more aggressive and you’re a wimp,” he countered.

“Make me.”

An intense match of chess boxing followed.  The result: My ass is now on JDate too…

It is a very real sport, I assure you

One day soon I will take a scientific look at the major similarities and differences between the two dating sites, just not now.

So I’m sitting here, writing away all the anxiety, when the aforementioned “ping” crashes my presence like a runaway semi into an unsuspecting coupe.  I always forget to turn it off when I’m trying to work. 

Holy crap, it’s not a spam from the theater I went to one time, five years ago.  It’s not eBay, Amazon, or LinkedIn trying to squeeze me for money.

Someone from JDate sent me a message…  Me?  A real message?  Not one of those stock “this person looked at your profile” notifications.  A genuine, originally written message from their brain is in my inbox, awaiting my eyes.

I hate myself for saying this, but the first thought was: “I hope she’s not ugly.”

Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Catholics have it right – the human species is fallible.  You can’t win every game, no one bats 1.000, etc.  Ted Williams struck out every once in a while.  Peyton Manning throws interceptions.  Even Bill Russell got dunked on sometimes.  Love is blind, but attraction is deaf. 

Holy fuck, she’s gorgeous.  Tall, dark haired, glasses (yum, yum, yum).  Lives in another city a couple hours away. 

(self-explanatory)

Just my luck.  I still messaged her back though, a note full of charm and witty banter.  Just like a good Jewish boy would.  So we can’t just arbitrarily decide to have a drink.  I may never actually meet her, but at the very least I’m going to communicate with her.  Why the hell not, she thinks we have things in common! 

I don’t know what I’m looking for from this online dating thing.  The only thing I know is that I don’t know what I want (read it again, it makes sense).  If you’re going to take the time to stalk out my profile and say hello, I’m going to at least write back.  If you also happen to be 5’11” and intellectual…excuse me, I have to roll my tongue back into my mouth… I’m actually going to put some effort into it.

Just like a normal relationship – Give and Take.

The Anxiety Train Has Arrived At The Station

All aboard!

Like most Americans, I have anxiety problems.  Fortunately, I’m usually strong enough to keep it from completely taking over my being.  There are good days and bad days – today just seems to be a bad one.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned what some of my triggers are.  One of the reasons I’ve never had to seek professional help, though maybe I should have, was that I can identify what events/thoughts/actions tend to cause the worst anxiety.  Once identified, it is easy-ish to try and erase the trigger from your life.  Or at the very least, find ways to mitigate or distract the anxiety until you forget about it.

My big three: Career, Love, Solvency.

Career – I’m an artist.  Boned.

Love – I’m trolling online for dates.  Boned.

Solvency – Too closely related to the other two.  No career, no solvency.  No solvency, no love.  Doubly boned.

It’s not like I can remove those three things from my life.  Oh, I could easily go back to corporate, work 40 hours, get my bennies, troll OkCupid/JDate to find my love, and make babies.  I could also join the lemming line off the cliff of reason too.

The ladies are this way!  No, this way!  Aaaaaagghhhhhhhh...

Don’t we all wish it were that simple?  What are we supposed to if the worst anxiety tends to be triggered by the most important aspects of our lives?

Embrace it.  Love it.  Work it.  Channel that energy!

That is reason numero uno I spend a couple of perfectly good video gaming hours a day writing this.  Truth be told, I started writing this blog before I even signed up for a dating site.  I knew that the second I got on the site and started filling out all their uber-introspective questionnaires I would have an ELE-type meltdown.  I don’t even want to think how difficult it would have been to write to a stranger.

Not that kind of stranger

Though I’m channeling the majority of my anxiety through humor and self-deprecation, it’s not quite enough to guarantee an anxiety-free day.  I’m practicing a lot more music.  I’m transcribing song after song after song (transcribing music = learning it by ear and writing it out on paper).  In fact, I’ve never been this musically efficient.

How’s this for irony: Transcribing music used to trigger worse anxiety than going out on a first date.  My Sagittarian perfectionism was uncontrollable – anytime I hit a roadblock on learning a song I would get horribly nauseous, stop working on it, brood for days, and seriously consider quitting music.

Ridiculous, isn’t it?

The only advice I can give is to know your triggers.  If you can’t avoid your triggers (like me), it is imperative that you find ways to healthily channel it.  Many people turn to alcohol or drugs (illicit and pharmacological) for their release.  You have to do better – you owe it to yourself.  Try exercise.  Maybe read a horrible book! 

I must confess to something: Whenever I was having a legitimate anxiety freakout, I would re-read Harry Potter books.  Why?  Because it is easy to lose yourself in the story.  If you’re too busy worrying about Lord Voldemort and Ron’s ginger hair, you’ll forget that you were getting worked up over something trivial.

Next on the plate: JDate, Cougars vs. Young Ladies, Automatic Disqualifiers, and Improvisation.

Zen of the Afternoon: