First Try...

I’m glad that I know I’m awkward.

That statement is awkward within itself.

I am perpetually awkward.

Q.E.D.

Sociopaths aren’t awkward.  They’re just creepy people who are neurologically incapable of compassion.

Uh oh.

Pre-Batman bad boy of yore

Wait a second, that can’t be me.  I’m too bleeding heart.

Noooooooooo...

Crap.

~

Doing this profile and answering all the ridiculous questions opened a major can of worms.  Hooray for introspection!

I know I’m not perfect.  Don’t plan on being perfect either.

I have too many contradictions.  Here’s a short list:

1)  I’m a musician with a budget.

2)  I love exercise and healthy eating, but I also love smoking.

3)  I love sunlight, but I consistently stay up past 3am.

Coffee + 3am

Yikes!

~

Well, since I’m not looking to marry the next girl that tells me I’m cute, I don’t really planning on changing myself too much.  In fact, I’m about as mentally healthy as I’ve ever been.  Most men would consider their athletic prime to have hit from 15-18, but I feel like I’m just hitting mine.  That’s good, right?

So I’ll keep smoking, and exercising, and staying up past 3am.  If that detests you, you probably won’t want to date me.  I won’t take it personally, I promise!  In fact, I’ll be happy that we didn’t waste each other’s time.

Unless of course, we decide to waste each other’s time with the occasional round of hot sex.  That’s totally acceptable.  I would even consider a trial run of crappy sex to see if it’s worth it to waste each other’s time. 

You see ladies?  I’m adaptable!

~

In order to convince the world that I’m not just some creeper [see: here] trolling the interwebs 24/7, I totally engineered that stupid pickup truck to run into my car and force me to interact with real people.

Totally not true.  But I’m not kidding about the dude hitting my car.  While it was parked, in a 100% legal parking place.  The only good thing about the tourist trap I call my neighborhood is there are always cops around.  Within seconds of hearing metal hit metal (and snooping out the window), there were two cops right there.  Taxes at work bitches!

I digress.

So I’m wandering about the dating site, scoping out potential ladies.  I figured out how to browse anonymously, so I feel less voyeur/stalker, and just more shy and awkward.  Wow, here’s a girl who’s fairly attractive, according to her answers is not repulsed by some of my habits, and is busy enough that she doesn’t need me to beck and call at will.

Yes!

No...

What in the world do I say?  “Hi, you’re hot.  I’m hot.  You’re smart.  I’m smart.  Let’s make some sweet funky jams.”

Or maybe this?  “Hi, I’m an awkward, but nice, Jewish boy.  If you smiled at me in a bar, I’d probably say hi.  Now, just please don’t think I’m a creep.”

Also not quite how I would like to present myself, but it sure beats coming off as a horny post-frat boy with permanent whiskey dick.

I came awfully close to making my +8 over on editing, but I’m pretty sure I held it to 5 or 6.  Woohoo!

But, I had to look at least two dozen profiles before having the balls to message one of them.  6:1 was a horribly positive outlook on my part.  Should have known better.

~

Breakdown of her potential thought processes:

30% - “Not another loser…”

15% - “Oooh, someone is interested in me…”

15% - “I hate beards.”

10% - “Beards.  Yum.”

10% - “Please, please, please be one of those musicians who likes to shower.”

5% - “Sweet, new fuckbuddy?”

5% - “I hope that guy wants to do more than bang.  I’m hungry too.”

3% - “When is this damn website going to leave me alone?”

3% - “I hope he’s not creeped out by pubic hair.”

2% - “I hope he’s not one of those hairy Jews.”

1.5% - “What do I have to lose?”

0.5% - “nom nom nom…”

I won't lose sleep if she doesn't write back.  But I will feel a bit silly too...  

Meditate on this in the meantime: